At yesterday’s Ash Wednesday service, in an old train station with twinkling lights, I got a penny and ashes.

Did you know that the cosmos and everything that exists, all matter, all of it, at one point, could fit onto the eye of President Lincoln on a penny? I didn’t. But it did. And it would have been very, very heavy. According to scientists.

We were supposed to take our pennies and put them in the baptismal bowl as a way of getting rid of our worries, burdens, or just whatever else we were throwing away.

I’m a rebel.

I kept my penny.

I didn’t keep it to be a rebel. I did it because I wasn’t ready to let go of my crap just yet. I can admit that.

I need more time to think about all of it, cause there’s a lot. I’ll throw it all away, along with my penny, when I’m damn good and ready. But last night wasn’t that night. Last night was me taking hold of it all and looking to God for the strength to start to let it wash away.

So, I’ll hold on to my penny for now. I have until Easter.

They say admission is the first step right?

So, I admit it. I still have my penny that represents all my crap, that I am consciously allowing to die, but its hard to let things die that have been a part of you for so long, even when they hurt. So, I’m not ready to let my penny go even though its heavy. Not yet.