There’s a great article I’ve shared before: “The Casserole Rules”. Back in 2019, I wrote a piece on this topic and shared a decent attempt at some Cracker Barrel Hashbrowns. I’ve even give a sermon in 2020 about divorce casseroles. And I probably will again at some point.

Recently, I was reminded of this topic and how taboo we have made it. Which is strange, because divorce has touched SO many of us. Whether we are the children of divorce or have gone through one ourselves. (My own parents got divorced after 30 years of marriage when I was a senior in high school.) Heck, just by using the term “divorce” we are leaving out thousands of relationships that are never formally acknowledged (people who have common law marriages, people who can’t get married because of legal things, etc.) and the breakups that occur in that category. Breaking up with your partner that you never formally married after 25 years together is just as traumatic and difficult as it is to get divorced after 8 years of marriage (which is apparently the average number of years that people stay married before a divorce).

Here’s the thing: divorce/breaking-up happens.

It happens because people grow apart. It happens because one spouse realizes they aren’t attracted to the other because of gender or sexual compatibility. It happens because sometimes, to get medical assistance for a disability you can’t have a second insurance or be married in order to get compensation for life-saving measures (I had a friend growing up for whom this was true.) It happens because of infidelity. It happens because there’s no good reason to stay together once the kids are out of the house. It happens because one partner suddenly shows their true colors once a baby arrives or once those vows are said. It happens because the safety of one partner or children is at stake. It happens because we are humans, and we are broken, fallible, and messy. No one thing defines us. We contain multitudes and they aren’t all good.

But what does define us as people of faith is how we show one another care and grace and love when a divorce (or an un-coupling, as Gwyneth Paltrow might call it) happens.

I’m not talking about whose side you take. I’m talking about how we care for those going through them, whether it’s us, our children, our friends, family, our pastor… Do you know how hard it is to ask for help when something like this happens? For most people, it’s real hard. No one likes to ask for it or admit it because suddenly we have gone from being in a situation where I could pay my own rent, or feed my own kid, without worrying about things. I used to be able to take care of my shit. But now I can’t.

As Christians, we are called to live our lives in such a way that those we love know that we will love them without hesitation and that we will especially love them when they go through something as devastating and life-altering as a divorce can be.

So, how do we actually show Christ’s love as communities of faith to each other so that those in our pews know it’s okay to talk about it, to know it’s okay to cry in front of the elderly couple in the pew next to us, or to know that we will catch them when they can’t hold themselves up? We talk a lot about showing Christ’s love to the world, but how do we show it to each other, especially when it’s something this life-changing? If you’re having trouble answering this question, then you might need to have a good long look at how it is that you love each other in your faith community.

And no, I am not going through a divorce. I am just angry at the social norms that have made the topic taboo on behalf of those who have/are/will go through them.